Saturday, Oct 2010, Approx. 10.39am
Im not feeling too well today. I dont know why but there is some uneasy feeling inside me but I just cant explained myself what it is...Cant I be tired sometimes in my life? I know life is sometimes have ups and down but lately, the down is always in my side, luckily not for too long..If this occur, I know there is something I did wrong in life, or something not too good coming without my knowing.
I didnt say that Im not satisfied with my life, but sometimes I just felt I want more than what I have been given. but Life have its own rules, that we compulsory have to follow it. In religion also have the guidelines that I have to follow, and I never ever ever doubt it. Everything happen must have their reason, I know. Mybe the reason will come out later.
At the moment, I felt so much guilt. It wasnt suppose to be like this. Am I doing the wrong decision? I felt that, I have been greedy to this feeling. I hold to trust, but sometime i've betrayed it. I hate being like this, have to do decision, which include my future. Lately I have some talk with <.....>, we talk about something that I felt guilty. I didnt meant to be secretive, but i have to. What ever it is, as long as we promise not too for this time, I will kept the secret safely in my heart. There are too many secrets I hold tightly in my chest, which sometimes when one of the secret being touched by that certain people, I felt guilt. Am I being wrong to kept the secret? Should I told her? Even I think that if she know this, she will relief about her doubt <the big one>, but I think it will affected someone else. That is why I choose to keep silent, if its for the best. but still guilty buildup inside me. Sometimes I felt tired, I want to run away from all this, but I guess the fate have chosen me to be like this. Its not wrong to sacrifice to someone else..but sometime I just couldn't sacrifice myself. Am I being selfish? I like to be seen as happy as I can, but could I be like one, when something is just not right inside? What am I suppose to do? The only thing I can see what I can do now is smile..I felt much better this way..(^-^)b
I like to be as honest as I can be, and I believe honesty is the best thing. but honesty sometimes is not always the good way lately. I hate lying, and I hate it when I have too but thinking it again, its the only way to save the situation. Sometimes I felt I'm being too greedy. I want everything good in my life, but I know decision should be made. Its someone else life that I touch, and it will affected their whole life with my decision. Do I have the gut to do it? I just cant, because I don't want to ruin their life. but if I'm not doing it, I will make it worst.. Am I? Smiling surely reduced thing, but some time this smile makes the disaster. Its the main reason why the problem being this way. Is this my fault for being too easy to give smile? Smile and the world will smile with u, but with smile I trapped into this, and I couldn't make it out. I love being me, but sometimes being me is tiring. What ever it is, I still love being me, I am the chosen one to walk this path of life - My Own Life. (^__^)V
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